i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
