i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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