Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
