I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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