Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
