he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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