The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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