The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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