when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
