the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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