Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize