i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
There are leaves in my underwear?
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