Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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