Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize