The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
