I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
