apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
two words...techno handjob
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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