Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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