can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
