I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
