its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
