walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
did i just pee glitter
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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