Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
