seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
