I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
