his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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