oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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