im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's the barista slut.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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