Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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