i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
