She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
