Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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