On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
