Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize