I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
