don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
