We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
