The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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