Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
