I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
