You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
