One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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