so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
