Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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