Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
