Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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