Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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