the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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