So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
