1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
