Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
