he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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